I finally start blog, a way to slow done my busy mind, laterly, my life get busy again. Specially this past 1 month. Feel like a day, no time for anything, too many things happen together.
I have a boy friend, I am still trying to finger out what is family . What is love, what is normal life, poon.....he got cancer. I never can put cancer together with my life, my parents all over 75 years old and still health. I thought being separate is the biggest thing in my life. Now this is a real one in front of me.
He was in pain for a couple of years, March, he removed gallbladder . September physical check found tumor at pancreas , October has surgery removed 35% of pancreas and whole spleen . 10 days later, result came he got the pancreas cancer and 5 years left. I never believe he can be sick, he always strong and healthy. No one can convince me he gets cancer. Now, I start to accept the fact finally and try to live with it.
Here is the my busyest month of life.
Sep. Of every year, , we go to Toronto medican for check up, We did check up together, then, we went hawaii . We scheduled to be in 3 islands during 1 week-stay. First island is Maui, stay in a 5 star hotel beach front, it is a suit, huge room with ocean front, walk from lobby to hotel's own beach , eat in restrauant beach front with sunset. Sleep with ocean wave's sound , a big sugar cane factory is the only industry in this island besides tourist . You can smelt sugar cane burning from 20miles away.
2 days later, we went to kauii, I choose the hotel this time from feeling, it was better than Maui, At bottom of the hill, we drove under shadow of trees, arrived a hidden hotel. Talked through huge and long hallway, we arrived our building, Hotel has residents for time share. A couple of buildings together. Almost every room has ocean view. Walk to beach. The private beach hotel own connect with a curise terminal, from my room, I saw curise came in from middle of 2 mountains, passing hotel beach, park at wharf. kauii is world best surf place. Wave goes as high as 48meter, i saw people surf every day. There is green grass behind beach, palm tree grow in middle . Some people lying under palm tree shade and enjoy wind from beach . Not only with best view, Our room has kitchen, we plan to buy fresh sea food and cook,
Helicopter tour is a must for visiting island, some area is not develop, you can not go, liken forbidden beach-- a gold sand beach. Only 20,000 resident in this island, all apartment start 1,4 million. People are lay back and enjoy life there. Helicopter opened the beauty of island : this is world most raining place, rain amout yearly around 1 meter.we saw beaches, land with pound, canyon, world most wet place is middle of mountain, mountain filled with green , many water fall like silver thread hanging together, beautiful flower on trees. Robin family lives at foot of mountain helicopter as transportation. Also, we saw a path, Hollywood filming movie "dynasal" , " priorates at caribbean" . Many movies was filmed here since 1930's . I felt inside movie when I am in site these place. Water fall formed river, lots of wedding daily on these river curise inside world most beautiful place.
We also went to a "horse whistle", a groupe of rock like mountain in front of beach, when ocean water came , it went to holes inside rock, then, came out spray to sky, very powerful, made a huge noise. Very impressive,
There are lots of mixed asian nationality here. Food is mix sure of Asian and north america food everywhere, delicious.
However, he got sick, in hawaii , i have to cancel ticket to big island for volcano, need to fly back to halifax direct.
when we back to halifax, doctor said he should go right now write will as only 3 to 6 month left. He went to do everything with lawyer and choose surgeon doctor at same time. Oct 6th, we went to new York mount sinal hospital. Doctor stayed with us for 30min and said 50 to 75 % is cancer. I started to believe he has something very serious. But do not believe he is dying in 6 month.
Oct.14th for surgery. I will remember these feeling in my life. Still feel too much to write them all done up to now.
First, He chose me to go with him for surgery. Many peiple asked him why it is me. Myside, i never think about anyone else but me to go. His family, himself all believe he has cancer, I do not. Moreover, surgery survival rate is high, but, pancreas cancer survival ratio for over 6 month is 5% or less . He is hoping to get 6 month life from this surgery.
12th , he went back home to say bye to family. Then, He gave me a list of people to notify after surgery. We had a little fight : he wanted me to call his wife first, his ex-girl friend 2nd. I felt it is nonsense to put exgirl friend in front of his mum and son. Anyway, he can not control the way I do things.
13th, flew to new York, ate at little Italy area, he told me where the security box key, how to handle money etc. Somehow none of these words went into my mind as I do not feel he will die tomorrow at all. Believe or not 13th night, I was calling customer and handling business till very late. Do not feel this is the last night with him.
14th 7:00am arrived hospital, up to this moment, no any check up from hospital, we asked nurse: do you know Georges blood type ? Then nurse started to do some blood work and few check. I grown up in hospital for 17years, never believe for such a big surgery, in US hospital, preparation is just nothing. He went in operation room, I told he needs 3 hours . I settled private room at 11 west and started to wait . I made a calling list, study on line to make my question list to doctor. 3.5hrs later, no news, I called nurse. 4hrs later doctor said he is coming over to see me.
My head spin very fast : doctor came to see me in my room! 100% chance bad news. My GOd, why I took this mission and promise to call, how am I going to tell boys they lost father! I felt so nerves and have to sit down, put napkin box beside to wait for doctor. Felt hard to breath and hand starts sweat, another 30min. Doctor walked in, my eye starts to 模糊, he sat down with big smile, i tried hard to concentrate with grasp the question list with my hand, his voice came from far away like from sky: we got the whole tumor out, tumor like an orange,soft, i did a quick look for biopsy , final result will needs 6 days, but I believe it has nothing to do with pancreas cancer. It is a big tumor. He does not need keno therapy. He will recover very soon .
I was astonished and starring at him, silent, he smile and repeated it again to me. My tears came out before my words, first time in my life, I felt there is a God right in front of me. He still smiling and keep on telling me it is good, it is a miracle what Georges has, finally, I relived and gave doctor Labow a big hug. I jumped up and down. Man, I truly felt joyfull in my whole body.
I called everyone, told them the good news. First is Lilly, I could not say anything when phone is connected, my tears came out, after couple deep breath, I told her the news.
I called everyone, really everyone, then I went out room, told nurse, reception . They told me: there is very few news like this here. It is a miracle . We came here for 6 month of life. Now it is not cancer !
I did not realize he is already a part of my life till now, when I wrote done everything, I did not believe I already mixed him in my life, I did not think anything else but his health, even his family. I did lost myself in loving him.
Reception at 11west helped me to found him, I bypass the regulation, went to see him myself. He looks so weak, thin like paper, pale, all kinds of pipe like a net above his body. Smell like dead body. I still can not stop my happiness, look at him with big smile. Told him: you are fine, it is all good, you made a mircle! He is so weak, doctor moved him to extensive care room, 6 patient in 1 room, liver transfer , heart surgery.....his heart started to beat faster 97. 100 when machine making noise, I convinced doctor to move him to another room: only him and 1 more patient . I finally can look at him , he has pipe inside noise, mouth, belly even a huge pip inside his sex. iV is morphine to stop pain. I hold his hand just feel happy he is alive. 1st night, he slept in extensive care room.
Next day, he moved to 11 west, I put a bed beside his bed started my nursing. Never did it before, but I just have it by seeing everything when I was a baby. I wake up many times in the night , take care whatever he need , do everything even to clean up his poo. Besides, I monitor business, talked to office daily as new season started.
Just 2 days after , oct.16th I am still happy he is alive, no cancer, he started to move around with all kinds of bottle in the stand, I push the stand, he walk slowly around 11west, he said he needs to call family, never talk to them yet, I ga e him the phone, right after he spoke with lily (only 2 to 3 minutes), his heart started to beat very fast, can not control, I brought nurse, took shots, still remain beating fast, all the doctor cameos, room is full, I hold his hand, felt he is leaving me, his voice is low, but I can hear clearly he Said " Sara, I am seeing you down from air. Remember let me go completely if I become vegetable ."
Doctor van not explain why heart went wrong heart beat stay at 140 to 160. His face pale , he is very sensitive about any noise. Heart doctor came, moving him to heart intensive care , I followed. When we move in heart department, a big alarm ringing all the time, like ambulance noise, doctor / nurse in and out. I felt like in the middle of a war. Draw blood, ejection, more IV, doctor said: no explanation for what cause this, 3 way may stop this, they tried 1st at 11west did not work, now, they tried 2nd here, the last is to do electric shot if we agree. I clearly said :No, one one can put that 2 piece of metal on this heart, at is used to kill people, not to save them. I prey God he can cure before the 3rd step. He was taking to do heart scan. It already 2am, he got scanned very fast and back to room. Finally he can sleep a little, but, nurse still come In every hour and big alarm still ring outside room, I went out to find out what it is : there is many screen display the heart rate of all patient here, any heart rate over 120, ihe alarm will ring automatically . No one can stop it. When geodes moved in, heart rate was 148, that is why all doctor went to our room. He is a bump! His heart can explore anytime.
We spent 1 day here, he did react to the 2nd medicine, heart slow down to 110. Oct.17th, Fabian , Geoff arrived with fabian's relative. I flew 2 boys hearer as he miss them. They live at Fabian relative's home and stay for 2 nights. Georges is very happy to see boys but too weak to say anything. They inky stay for 10min. And he has to go sleep,next day, we moved back to 11 west.
Everything is fine at 11 west but the nurse, the skill is bad on IV, his arm, hand all full of needle mark and bruise . One bruise is so big and pain that nurse has to do specially treatment. During surgeon . Nurse put a big needle for IV, he kept it for few days and 11 west nurse did not realize it should be replaced, after 4 days, it got infection , big pink limp in the arm.
Nurse gave him 2 muffin to stop his pain, he hold a button, push button once he felt pain and morphine will be released to IV. We all waiting for his fat, once he can fat, we can leave hospital, I never know the "gad passing through is so important to human". At this stage, No fat, no life, he kept on brb and felt so pain in his belly ad no gad passing. 5th day after surgery still no gas, doctor started to use medicine to make it happen. He is asked to walk more, but, i saw so much pain even he is in bed, when we do not know how to stop pain, I hold him up for a walk, walk did help him to reduce the pain. Sometimes, when pain comes, he tried so hard to brb, sit , stand up, it really hard for me to see him just be in pain, nothing anyone can do yo help. 2 IV morphine plus a shot morphine, he got the max dose already, still in pain. Finally, Gas came, we were so happy to hers the noise! Never so happy before for a fat ! But this time, a real happiness.
After gad passing, he allowed to eat a little regular food. For first time, we took elevator went to 1st floor to see outside, we found a canteen and bought some food he likes , this trip costs him a lot, we spent long time , maybe an hour. Have to stop when his pain comes.
He never scare about die, it will be a real peace for him, but, he is fighting so hard to survive for the 6 boys . He demonstrated me how hard to live and how strong can a person be in order to live.
One week past, oct. 22nd, we still at 11 west, patient come and go, we still here, next door moved in an old man with a pretty young wife, in fact, 11 west costs 1000 dollar a day, I saw many rich man here sick, young pretty wife accompany. Lots of time, I can tell from 1st floor that the lady is going to 11west, they dress nice, heavy make up.
Anyway, the wife chat with everyone , old man looks very sick on bed, 23rd night, i wake up by a lady's loud crying and screaming , the first reaction is old man died, i was scared and went to his small bed. Crying for a while then stopped, i guess they moved dead body. Could not sleep the whole night.
Next day, nurse came i , told us they have to take 2 shots a month to against all kinds of sickness inside here and we are lucky we did not get mote sick. ....man.....we requested to leave hospital right away.
Oct, 23rd, 10days later, we moved to condo with kitchen in new York, he still needs to be checked by doctor , get needle.
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